The Daily Parker

A horse and a chicken grew up together on the farm, and they were the best of friends. They went everywhere together. One day the horse waded into the pond to get a drink, and he realized that his feet were stuck in the mud and that he was sinking. He yelled for the chicken and said, "I'm stuck in the mud and sinking, go get help, go get the farmer!"

The chicken ran to the house and, realizing the farmer wasn't home, grabbed the car keys, flapped to the garage, backed out the BMW, drove down by the barn, got a length of rope, sped back to the pond, tied the rope to the bumper of the car, threw the other end to the horse, and pulled the horse out of the water.

A couple of weeks later the chicken stepped into a mud puddle in the farm yard and realized that her feet were stuck and that she was sinking.

She hollered for the horse, "Go get the car!"

The horse said, "I don't need the car."

He stepped over the mud puddle, straddled it with one foot on each edge, and said, "grab my pecker and pull yourself out."

The moral of this story is: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Submitted by reader S.S.

• A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
• A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
• A woman gives birth to identical twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they're identical twins; if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
• This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "O, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
• When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
• A doctor made it his regular habit to stop at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nut extract and set it on the bar. The doctor came in, took one sip of the drink, and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
• A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

Submitted by reader C.K.

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband has lost interest in sex. He gives her a pill but warns her it is still experimental. He says to slip it in her husbands mashed potatoes some night at dinner.

A week later she returns to the doctor. She says "The pill worked great. I put it in the potatoes like you said. It wasn't 5 minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, throws the table out of the way, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravages me right on the floor."

The doctor says, "I'm sorry. We didn't realize the pill was that strong. I'm sure that the manufacturer will be glad to pay for any damages."

The wife says, "That's okay. We aren't going back to Denny's anyway."

Submitted by reader C.K.

Your Jedi might be a redneck if...

• he uses his lightsaber to cut the bottlecap off a beer
• he says, "These are not the beers you're looking for"
• that "Disturbance in the Force" was just last night's baked beans and spareribs
• the inside of the house looks more like Dagobah than the outside
• he calls his young apprentice, "Hoss"
• he ever uses telekinesis to pull his jeans up
• the Force isn't the only thing that runs in the family
• he calls Hank Williams "master"
• his landspeeder has a gun rack
• he constantly mistakes R2 units for beer kegs
• he got his light saber by sending in 750 "Camel cash" tickets
• his sister chooses him over Han Solo
• he calls Yoda his "Li'l green buddy."
• he has ever said, "Anger... fear...agression...Yankees...the dark side are they."
• his father's name is Garth Vader
• his lightsaber has a beer can crusher in the base
• there is more oil in his robes than in his astromech droid
• he has ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing or bowling
• he trims his beard and finds a Mynock
• he has ever used a lightsaber to light the barbecue grill
• he offends Jawas with his B.O.
• he fights with a lightsaber in one hand and a spit cup in the other
• he uses a Jedi mind trick to stop the beer truck
• he uses his Jedi healing powers to clear up his VD
• his Jedi robe is camouflage-colored
• at least one wing of his X-Wing is primer colored
• he can easily describe the taste of an Ewok
• he can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks
• his father ever said to him, "Shoot, son, come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

Submitted by reader S.P.

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant: one room and the normal follow-up to that.

Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood, nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He is in his birthday suit. Looking at her, he asks, "Why the panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night, the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit, except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this...a black condom?"

He replies, "I'm going to make a Shiva call."

Submitted by reader C.K.

Morris in Brooklyn lived in a big home with his pet dog that he loved for 12 years. His best and only companion. The dog died, and a heartbroken Morris went to the Rabbi of his congregation and asked, "Rebbe, my dog is dead. Could you please offer a prayer for this faithful creature?"

The Rabbi replied, "No, we cannot hold services for an animal in our synagogue, but nearby there is a new temple that opened, no telling what they believe, maybe they can hold services for an animal."

Morris said, "So I'll go see them now. Do you think $10,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

The Rebbe replied, "So why didn't you tell me the dog was Orthodox?"

Submitted by reader M.B.

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother!"

Submitted by reader M.B.

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."

Submitted by reader C.K.

Actual public utterances of former Washington mayor Marion Barry:

"I promise you a police car on every sidewalk."

"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very, very low crime rate."

"First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl."

"Bitch set me up."

"I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis, no less."

"The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist."

"People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the President's. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the President? I can assure you there are."

"The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice."

"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?"

"People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? Would it!?!"

"I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man."

Submitted by reader C.K.

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.

A policeman checks the crowd: no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72..."

Submitted by reader B.P.